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The cover of Pagan Magazine (2026)
showing Isis in bird form and the artificial phallus of Osiris
I.
The myth of Osiris tells the story of an Egyptian king-god who was murdered by his jealous brother Set, the god of chaos, dismembered, and then magically brought back to life after his devoted wife (and sister) Isis located and assembled all the widely scattered body parts except one - his penis.
Unfortunately, this fourteenth piece had been tossed in the Nile and swallowed by a fish - most probably an Oxyrhynchus or what is commonly called an elephant fish and known for its bizarrely modified mouthparts resembling a trunk [1].
Still, never one to allow a small setback derail her plans, Isis fashioned an artificial phallus to replace Osiris's missing organ. Again, depending on which ancient source text one consults, the physical material she used to sculpt the phallus varies.
Classical accounts most commonly state she carved a simple wooden replacement. However, several regional myths detail her sparing no expense and crafting a mighty golden phallus. Alternatively, Roman-era historians mention her favouring wax to recreate the missing part.
II.
Now, it just so happens that a German friend of mine custom designs highly beautiful - and highly expensive [2] - dildos and so I naturally asked her which of these three ancient options would actually be best for internal use.
Based on safety concerns and body compatibility, she said that wood is the number one choice - provided, that is, that the item is properly finished with a hypoallergenic sealant (i.e., a skin safe, non-toxic, and non-porous clear coating) to protect against splinter risks and prevent bacteria from building up in the wood grain.
As for which type of wood to use, she recommends a hardwood such as maple, cherry, or walnut (not only are these naturally sturdy, but they retain warmth too).
As for a 24k gold artificial phallus, that would be safe for internal use and arguably the most aesthetically appropriate choice for a god-king. However, gold is not only an exceptionally expensive [3] and extremely heavy metal, but is also an exceptionally soft one that scratches easily thereby allowing microscopic traps for bacteria, so not ideal. So not great in the long run.
That said, either wood or gold is preferable to wax as a material. In fact, my friend was horrified by the thought of using wax. Not only can it melt at body temperature, but it is highly brittle and can therefore easily snap under pressure. Wax is also porous, impossible to properly sanitise, and presents a severe risk of chemical irritation or infection.
In sum: my friend says always choose medical-grade silicone or borosilicate glass - though she appreciates these weren't available options in Ancient Egypt and that Isis had to work with what she had at the time.
III.
According to Ancient Egyptian mythology, once she had assembled all the other body parts Isis attached the prosthetic phallus and magically awakened the latent virility within Osiris's reanimated corpse.
She was assisted in this by her sister Nepthys as well as the god Anubis, who oversaw all things to do with death and essentially acted as a jackal-headed funeral director. Thoth may also have been present, taking notes on the proceedings.
Somewhat strangely, having resurrected her husband, Isis hovered directly over his prone body in the form of a predatory bird, vigorously flapping her wings. In this way, she drew out his seed and they conceived a child (Horus).
Post-coital exhaustion proved fatal to poor Osiris, however, and he promptly snuffed it a second time. His corpse was then completely wrapped in bandages - et voila! the Egyptian tradition of mummification was born [4].
Notes
[1] Uncertain of the species, ancient scholars debated whether it could have been a large carp, or perhaps even a catfish, that swallowed Osiris's penis. Whatever the species, by consuming the divine sex organ a fish had literally ingested the generative power of a god and, in the eyes of Egyptian priests, this made it both a sacred and spiritually impure animal. This belief resulted in a religious taboo about eating fish on certain holy days (particularly freshwater fish that had been caught in the Nile).
It might also be noted, however, that the ancient Egyptians did not view the fish eating Osiris's penis as a total tragedy; it was thought to also guarantee the eternal fertility of the river and that the Nile's annual flooding would make the soil rich enough to grow grain.
[2] Her standard designer dildos run between £100 and £500, with bespoke, custom-sculpted pieces starting at £1,000. For the discerning customer, ultra-luxury editions carved from solid rose quartz and encrusted with precious gemstones can cost significantly more.
[3] Based on current market rates, my friend tells me a pure gold seven-inch dildo weighing roughly 90 troy ounces would cost approximately £304,000 ($414,000) in raw gold melt value alone. Because 24k gold is an incredibly dense and heavy precious metal, the actual price would vary based on its specific thickness and whether it is hollow or completely solid.
[4] Because Osiris had been mummified, his spirit was now tethered to the underworld, meaning he could never again return as a living man. Because of his previous status - even if missing his penis - he was soon recognised as Ruler of the Afterlife and Lord of Silence.
